What Message is Being Sent to The Young Men in America Right Now?

When asked what message he is sending young men in America right now, Trump responded by saying “It is a very scary time for young men in America, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of.” I agree with him 100%, and I have empathy for why he is not worried about females. As a Mormon and a psychotherapist who did not vote for him, and who has zero tolerance for people like him in my life, I do have empathy for him. I also have empathy for Kavanaugh. I believe they are both victims in their own strange way. I would love to have a conversation with each of them.

What Does “Guilty” Mean?

I would ask both Trump and Kavanaugh what they mean by the word “guilty”.  Therapists are trained to explore definitions with people, because different people from different backgrounds define even the most common, simple words very differently. Is he referring to the legal definition of guilty?  This statement is confusing to me, as he has been accused of sexual assault and sexual harassment many times, but has never been found guilty of any of them?

Does he mean guilty of being accused?  That doesn’t make sense because one isn’t found guilty of doing nothing. By definition guilty is associated with an act; the act of doing something wrong. And you can be accused of doing something wrong without actually doing anything, or being guilty.  The accuser could be found guilty of making a false allegation, as making a false allegation is an act.

What Does “Scary” Mean?

I would also want to ask them what the word scary means to them.  If there are so many men right now being accused, is that what is scary?  If that is what he means, I would want to ask what is so scary about that?  Because being accused of sexual harassment/assault does not seem that scary to some of us.  We have seen lots of men in this public #metoo movement accused of things.  But I can’t even come up with more than one name of a man who has actually been found guilty.    Some may have been asked to leave by their company’s HR department.  But an HR department has nothing to do with due process, guilt or innocence or any such thing.  An HR department’s job when there is an accusation is to protect the company from loss of revenue.

Are Accusations of Assault and Rape Actually Scarier

than Actual Assault assault and rape?

Men accused in the public #metoo arena have had very different experiences. Those asked to leave by their HR companies have also been given millions of dollars, (i.e. Bill O’Reilly) or resigned (Les Moonves) or become president (Donald Trump). One thing they all shared in common, however, is the fact that none of them were actually found guilty, that is, if we all use and understand the legal definition. Although Bill O’Reily and Les Moonves lives may have changed, what has happened to them does not fit into my definition of “scary” very well.

I have been asked to leave a job before, for ridiculous reasons, and I was not offered millions of dollars on the way out. Les Moonves resigned at the age of 68, and has a lovely, supportive wife and a child to spend time with. He also has millions of dollars. I know lots of people that age still working with a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of what Les Moonves has, without the option to resign if they want their basic needs met. His situation does not fit into my personal definition of “scary”.  Trump is president. Which I find tremendously scary. But I’m not sure he does.

Why Is It Such A Scary Time for Young Men In America?

“It is a very scary time for young men in America, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of.” I believe that 100%, and I believe that the person who understands this statement as close to the same way that I do is Jeff Flake, and the other Mormon men in Congress. Because I believe the scariest thing for men to be found guilty of right now, is to be found guilty of respecting women. Which is something they may not actually be guilty of, depending on who you ask.

The Definition of “Respect for Women” Depends On Who You Are Talking To.

Mormons believe they have a deep respect for women. I am no longer an active Mormon, but I love and adore the Mormon church. I also love and adore many Mormon people, including my daughter, who joined the church at the age of 14, six or seven years after I stopped going.

I always felt I was treated with a great deal of love and respect when I was there and I went out of my way to create a very healthy goodbye when I went “inactive”.  It was very important to me to maintain a bridge of love.  But my definition of “respect for women” is vastly different than it was when I was an active Mormon.

Definitions of Things Have Absolutely Nothing to Do

with the Words Used to Describe Them

Written words are just chicken scratch on a piece of paper.  Spoken words are simply a vibration you make in your throat.  Action is where real definition of things gets defined.

What Does it Mean to Respect Women?

There is a group of people in this country who think that respecting women is something wrong and offensive and deserving of consequence (i.e. men in the good ol’ boys’ clubs). And there is a group of people in this country who don’t believe respecting women is wrong or offensive or deserving of consequence.

Does Jeff Flake Know What It Means To Truly Respect Women?

I’m currently not sure what group Jeff Flake is in. I believed wholeheartedly he was in the group that knew what “respect for women” was, similarly to the way that I did. I had such gratitude toward him. I thought he was so brave, valiant, and filled with courage. I was so proud of him, and proud of the Mormon church he represents. He did the “right thing” (displaying respect for women) by being the catalyst that started the FBI investigation. I believed that until I saw the 60 Minutes interview with him and Chris Coons. It was then that I realized his decision had nothing to do with “respect for women”, and everything to do with loving Chris Coons and being in a “good ol’ boys” club with him.

Is Jeff Flake A Good, Brave Man?

Did Jeff Flake’s actions take a tremendous amount of guts? 100% it did. But it had nothing to do with women. He was straddling two very opposing “good ol’ boys” clubs. And that is no easy feat. And he never would have done that had he not had a personal friendship with Chris Coons that he valued so deeply. He also said that he would “100% not have done it” if he was up for reelection because there would have been no incentive to work across the aisle. The only incentive for him to work across the aisle, is when it’s safe, and when there’s a “good ol’ boy” over there.

Is treating women with respect really that scary for some people?

I 100% believe it is.  There is consequence for breaking the unspoken rules of the age-old boys’ clubs.   If congress votes no on Kavanaugh, he has not been found guilty of anything. He simply didn’t get the job promotion he was hoping for.  There are other judges who have been nominated to the Supreme Court who did not get the job promotion they were hoping for.  Kavanaugh is not an anomaly.  The employers of Supreme Court Justices have decided to not confirm very qualified individuals who have been nominated, and the world moved on. When judges nominated to the Supreme Court don’t get the job promotion they were expecting, they go back to their $200,000 plus lifetime appointment as a judge with full benefits and a guaranteed pension.  They aren’t found guilty of anything in the legal sense of the word. But if Kavanaugh is not confirmed tomorrow, someone(s) will have been found very guilty of respecting women.

The Conundrum of He Said/She Said

Donald Trump mocked Christine Blasey Ford for not remembering anything.  But is it true that even if Ford remembered every single detail…even if everyone at that party corroborated her story word for word except for Kavanaugh and Judge, there wouldn’t have been any guilt or consequence.  If everyone corrobarated her story and we knew the exact address of where the alleged assault took place,  it would still be a he-said she-said story.

Even with semen inside women, it’s still a he-said she-said court case. Many rape cases have lots of seemingly damning evidence and the perpetrators still don’t go to jail.  Because there has to be so much evidence that’s it was not consensual.  Meaning, it has to be a pretty brutal rape with the woman fighting back with tremendous effort.

And even if a woman fights back during her attack, many women have to endure questions about whether or not the evidence showing they fought back was a result of them liking rough sex.  “You asked for it, didn’t you?  We know what kind of women you are. Look at the dress you wore that night.”  The fact of the matter is, we know from Elizabeth Smart and other females who come from cultures that train them to be docile and are raped, that there are many females that don’t fight back or try to escape.

Are Women That Go Along Willingly with Sexual Predators and Don’t Fight Back

Wanting or Consenting in Any Way to What is Happening?

Having grown up Mormon, graduated from BYU, having served a mission for the LDS church, and becoming trained as a psychotherapist, I am very familiar with how this acculturation works.  The fact that Elizabeth Smart went along with no evidence of protest whatsoever, and did not try to escape did not surprise me at all.  Although it surprised many others who grew up in a different culture than I did.  There are lots of other girls Elizabeth Smart’s age who have been kidnapped and raped who were not docile in the process.

I Was Sexually Assaulted at Brigham Young University.

A cute boy there asked me out on a date.  He picked me up in his car and told me we were going to his sister and her husband’s house to watch movies.  It was a ways away.  I had no idea where we were going.  I hadn’t really been off campus much.  When we got there I looked around at the pictures of his sister’s family. So beautiful.  I was excited to meet them, but they were not there.  Instead of sitting on the couch, we sat on the floor leaning our backs against the couch and pillows behind us. It felt nice sitting shoulder to shoulder.  When the movie was over, he turned to look at me, and I at him…and next thing I knew I was laying on the floor with my hands held above my head pinned tightly to the floor, his knees digging into my thighs.  He said, “Nobody knows you’re here.  You don’t even know where you are.  I can do whatever I want to you and nobody will know.”

I lay there, docile.  Completely limp and silent staring into his eyes as he started grinding his pelvis into mine.   All of a sudden he got up. Grabbed me by the hand and led me out the door of the house to his car. I held his hand and followed and got in.  Miraculously, he drove me home.  I went inside, got in bed and never told anyone about that experience for over 15 years.

The Fight, Flight and Freeze Responses

Being a licensed psychotherapist, I can tell you that many women go into the fight or flight response, but there are also women that go into the “freeze” response. The freeze response is a form of shock that completely incapacitates you from screaming, or fighting, or even moving. This freeze response is also found in animals.  The freeze response occurs when the victim (whether animal or human), believes that there is absolutely no form of escape.  They go into shock because they are certain there is no way to survive. I believe Elizabeth Smart and I went into this freeze response/shock when were assaulted.  We were afraid we wouldn’t survive, not just survive the rape, but survive the loss of our most treasured possessions as Mormon women.  Our virginity and our virtue.

So one can most definitely be raped, and have zero evidence that it wasn’t consensual.  They can just lay there without lifting a finger to leave a scratch mark on the perpetrator, leaving no evidence whatsoever that they didn’t want to have sex.   Scientists have been very interested in the freeze response, as it is so hard to understand how it works.  Fight and flight happen when adrenaline and lots of other hormones get  released in the body.  These same hormones get released in the body with the freeze response as well.  But without the physical release of these hormones when you fight or flee, through sweat and breath,  all those hormones and energy get trapped inside the body.  The freeze response has been compared to having the brakes on and the gas on at the same time.  It’s so tremendously exhausting that when in freeze response one almost goes into a relaxed  meditative state.  Psychologically the mind disassociates.

 

Why Sexual Assault/Rape Cases Don’t get “Prosecuted Very Often

Even when there are very obvious signs of force, there are all kinds of reasons attorneys choose to take on cases or not,   reasons judges allow the case to move forward or not,  and reasons juries convict or not.  Biases, technicalities, confusion, misunderstanding, miscommunication, technical difficulties, lack of funds…and the list goes on.   The percentage of rape cases with enough evidence to actually go to trial is very small.  And the cases where the victim actually wins is minuscule. I’ve been a part of several such cases throughout my career.

Are Rape Kits Easily Accessible?

I remember a young teenager coming to the clinic where I worked as a clinical director in California.  She came with her mother the morning after being raped at a small party.   Two therapists, her prescribing doctor, and I spent the rest of the day and into the late evening trying to assist her. One therapist sat with her, another called around to find the closest clinic/ER that did rape kits (finding medical clinics that do them is much harder than one might think…even in LA where they are more common than in some cities).

One of us tried to figure out how to get the client and mother to the exam destination through the terrible LA traffic at the end of the workday without reliable transportation.   Several of us spent time with the mother trying to convince her to allow the minor to get the rape kit done, (as that was what the teenager wanted to do) while also trying to coach her on not shaming her daughter and telling her it was her own fault for going to the party.

Eventually one of therapists met them at the emergency room. After several hours of waiting in the waiting room, the mother took her young daughter and left without completing the rape kit due to having other children, including a small baby who she needed to attend to. She left, even though her daughter had a lot of evidence in and on her body that she was raped. I find it interesting. I find it interesting that the therapists, the perscriber, the nurse, the victim, her parent and I were all female. If a man had been punched in the face by another man and ended up with a broken nose, it would be much more easy for him to get justice.  He if wanted to be heard, it would have been much more easy for him.  If he wanted to have his nose reset, he could have fought to get that compensated legally.  How does one “reset” a broken hymen, and the broken heart of a person who cherished it.

How Important Is It To Be Popular?

It is a scary time in America for men right now, because truly having the humility, the integrity, and the strength to respect women is not popular.  Popularity isn’t just about being in fashion, or viewed as “cool”.  Hidden in mans’ DNA is instinctual memory of the time when in our not too distant past, being “unpopular” could mean quite literally that you did not physically survive.

Women Are Not Respected In This Country The Way That I learned As a child in the Mormon Church that God Wants Women to Be Respected

Not just by a large percentage of the men,  but also by a large percentage of the women. As politics become more and more tribal, respecting women is becoming less and less “popular”, and more and more scary.

These men and women, afraid of truly respecting women, are raising young men who are becoming more and more afraid of truly respecting women. They are also raising young women who are becoming more and more afraid of respecting women.  They are doing this not by what they say.  But by what they do (or fail to do).  They are not engaging in respectful acts towards women.

Genuine respect for women, the way that I now understand it, is where actions occur that create a world where me, my daughters and all the women in this country are treated well. That there are consequences when that is not the case. Genuine, true, authentic respect for women is a very misunderstood and rare thing. Something that is at risk of becoming even more rare indeed.

I empathize with the men and women who are making it worse for women.  My father, a retired therapist in his late seventies lives in Utah and is actively involved in the Mormon church.   He understands what respect for women is, and why our society so greatly lacks it. It was interesting talking to him about this and getting his male/therapist/white man perspective. Our recent discussion included several significant points.

 

#1 Power is synonymous with survival.

In man’s DNA is embedded the desire to survive not just for them to survive, but for their posterity to survive. But let us define the word “survive” here. Are we talking about surviving physically?  Or spiritually?  I’m not sure.  It depends on who you are talking to.

#2 Women have power that men don’t have.

Women have the power to bring life into the world. Until fairly recently in the Earth’s history, that was one of the only real forms of power women had. Historically, men did everything to protect their power (their numbers, their tribe.) When weak, they would sometimes gain power in the form of non-consensual sex in their own tribes.  The bible mentions cases where “righteous” men “raped” women in their own families. When trying to establish power over other tribes after winning battles, they would rape their enemies’ women. They did this to multiply their power.

 

#3 We Have Evolved a Lot As a Human Species,

But We Have Much More Evolving To Do

Our society as a whole has evolved a lot, but there are still some humans in this society that have not evolved.  There are still lots of men gaining power by raping and assaulting women.  These serial assaulting narcissist/sociopathic men have no connection to their spiritual,inner power at all…for a variety of reasons.  But they do have a strong connection to their feelings of weakness, and to the enjoyable high of physical power.   But just because one is not a serial assaulting narcissist/sociopathic type does not mean one has respect for women.

Thankfully, my dad is not afraid of women having power that he doesn’t have. He believes there is devine purpose in women having power he doesn’t have. He also has the devine insight/therapist training to hold no judgement or envy about women wielding healthy power.  My husband isn’t afraid of powerful women.  My dad raised me to marry someone like him.  Both my daughters’ groups of male friends, and my oldest daughter’s boyfriend understand true respect for women.

Many African American men I know

Understand and Respect the Women In their Lives

Even though these African American men are deeply flawed (as all humans are), they recognize their flaws.  They don’t just seek forgiveness, they make amends, which is the only true way to repent.  Interestingly, African American culture is actually one of the few matriarchal cultures existing today. Slave couples were almost always separated, and black mothers had to be extremely strict with their children to keep them alive. African Americans had to find other means of power to survive than focusing on the power of growing a tribe and creating a posterity of their own.  During the years of slavery they honed their physical power, their musical power, their spiritual power…and the list goes on.

Barak Obama is in no way afraid of the power women. He loves watching and supporting women wielding power.  He celebrates it. He truly brought out the best in his wife, while she brought out the best in him. Regardless of your thoughts on politics, nobody can disagree with the fact that they are an adorable couple with genuine respect for each other.

Which Is a Huge Part of the Reason Trump Got Elected

The Obamas’ possessed a power that poked at the deepest fears of many people in this society.  The fear of being irrelevant.  The fear of being unimportant.  The fear of being weak. The fear of not surviving.

I Don’t Believe That Obamas Being Black Had Much To Do With It.

They Just Had So Much Going For Them!

They had so much going for them that so many of the people in this country don’t have.  Although perhaps untraditional in some ways, they both received very good parenting.  They each received an amazing education.  They each are attractive, fit, funny and charismatic.  They each posses a deep sense of authenticity and connection to who they are at their core. They each have a healthy, enduring, loving relationship.  They each have beautiful, healthy children with very bright futures. They have things that so many people in our country don’t have and have no ability to get.  They have things that are getting rapidly more difficult to get.  When Trump announced his candidacy, he was the alpha that most convincingly promised the goods that so many people wanted.

Trump Had The Most Infectious Alpha Energy

When Trump was elected, there were a slew of much more qualified republican candidates. But they just couldn’t compete…from the very beginning.   He was the candidate with enough alpha power to get people excited. He made certain people feel strong who were tired of feeling weak.  He made certain people feel brave, who were tired of feeling scared.  He is a master alpha male/narcissist who is great at manipulating people who are weak.  And the majority of the men in our country are guilty of being weak right now.  Not physically weak.  But spiritually weak.

I believe Kavanaugh when he says he’s not a gang rapist. I believe him when he says he was a virgin till “many years later”. I believe that he also has close female friends who love him dearly and for whom he has “respect” and love. But I do find it interesting that his credible accusers (I refer here to credible as being the two the FBI focused on) have similar things in common in their stories. Kavanaugh seemed more interested in laughing with and impressing his “good ol’ boys” than he did in actually exerting power over women in the traditional sense of rapist/sexual assault type personalities as defined by sociopathic/narcissistic personality in the psychology world.

I believe he was sincere throughout his testimony (the lies about the Devil’s Triangle and boofing aside). I don’t think he is a sociopath or a narcissist. But I do believe PJ, Christine, Brett, and Judge were at a party together.  And I do believe Brett was horsing around with Judge, assaulted Christine and may not remember any of it. And I have empathy for him.  He had bad parenting, bad role models, and was (and still is) under a tremendous amount of pressure to be a part of the “good ol’ boys club.”

There Should Be Consequences For  Our Actions.

The fact that there doesn’t appear to be consequences for actions in this country is why the flag has become so controversial.  Kavanuagh is not the best candidate for this job.  Forget whether or not he was even at the party back in the 80’s.  He completely blew his job interview.  I have conducted 100s of job interviews, and I’ve never seen anything like it.  He did not display qualities essential to the job in his interview, including respect to all those designated by our country to interview him. But in America right now, there do not appear to be any consequences for being completely unprepared the the most important of jobs.

He got defensive and cried and yelled, and fell apart, because he turned to “good ol boy” power rather than the authentic power found deep inside himself. Someone displaying power that does not at all come from the spiritual power found deep inside oneself, is not someone we want representing all that our country has historically stood for.

Because If,

Rather Than Consequence,

We Reward This Type of Bad Behavior,

This Type of Bad Behavior

Becomes What Our Country Stands For.

That Is What Our Flag Will Represent.

To our children and to the world.

With my alpha/omega power, I humbly pray and sincerely ask for people to find and connect with their Yin/Yang Alpha/Omega balance and strength, to help heal this country.  I pray that those with too much Alpha, whether male or female, will find more omega.  I pray that those with too much omega, will find their strength, their core, their voice, and use more Alpha.

I pray for Jeff Flake and the other Mormon men in Congress, and all Mormon men around the world, to connect with more omega, to have the bravery to show humility, integrity and love, in this time when it is so very risky, where respect for anything truly important is vanishing. Please do not resort to  “good ol’ boy” power.  You are better than that.

You have been taught the importance of mothers.  Eve was given the power to bring life into the world, as well as the rules.  She followed the spirit.  And she has been treated like shit ever since.    It does, indeed, not appear that the celestial kingdom, will have many men in it.

 

I am as the Army of Helaman,

HEEL! Amen.

Heel a man.

Heal a man.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAL!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHH-

MEEEENNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

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